5>6

this silence
this internal screaming
feels like dust
at the back
of my throat
and a five year lie
is an apocalyptic
sandstorm

and i'm left
with a spear in my chest
boulder on my tongue
blade lodged in my brain
cement in my lungs

i'm left explaining
that i lost my virginity
to a man
fifteen years older than me
at the ripe old age
of fourteen
how old i thought he was
how we defied the laws
how he said he loved me
and i loved him back
a smoke and mirrors romeo
and a stupid fucking juliet

i guess
what i really want
more than anything
is for you to know
what implosion feels like
what evaluating
the efficacy of steel wool
in the attempt of cleansing
my skin
to get rid of the feeling
of letting a stranger in
feels like
what it feels like
tracing the trails
of a million tears
i never cried
because i never knew
despite a heart opened wide

i defended us
our judgement
integrity, morality
my mother and father's
parenting abilities
i took more blows
than you'll ever know

and now i stand
breathing in
the fall out -
you regret
that you got caught
rather than
who you lost
and your apologies
are echoing,
though unending,
still emtpy

i want you to know
that i'm surviving
i'm okay
migrating, evolving
and despite the size
of the crator in my life
i've got
no place
for you.