After 'While

i want to
stand
scream
with hooks in my
heart, eyes
mind and mouth
i want to
float and fly
and feel fulfilled
i want to
freeze you
and your words
with a stare
or a sigh
or the kind of bellow
that'll break bones

cracked ribs at the ringside
(existing is your door prize)

but you like
building walls
a fucking fortress
your castle -
impenetrable
and i'm
murmuring mysteries
mangling
(magnifique)

but i'm sure if you'd cry
you'd fill any
self respecting crocodile
with pride.

The Day We Caught Noah Off-Guard

we want to
preach what
life is and isn't
incomplete and inconsistent
we're inconsequential, so we're
inwardly grateful
for the punches and blows
cheap and sucker
we want to embrace
Atlas' fist
but we've got
the courage
of a dust mite
and we float along
just the same.

and i wish
you and i could
share a pair of
eyes and one brain
just for a minute
but it'd
be a cataclysmic storm
not even Noah would have seen it
coming
with hearts like
hurricanes
held haughtily to the horizon.

we know i've got some
moving on and
walking to do
and though we may
try
and
hope
with all of our might
it can't happen
from this bed.

definition/repetition/reassurance

i can't let this anger become all that i am
and i can't realize one more time that for four years i was everything that i hate
i was every dumb bitch
i was a doormat
i was a pushover
and i was blind to everything
everthing i was and wasn't doing
and everything i was allowing to happen
i rolled over
i was an emotional avalanche
a romantic tsunami
and i never fucking knew it
i instantly became the deer in the headlights and almost immediately then the road kill you all see and then keep on driving with pity in your heart and disgust in the pit of your stomach
but i'm still breathing
and there's still blood pulsing through me
though reluctantly
and i can still scream
i can still shatter
but i will not be broken
never again
i will take no prisoners
never again
i will not surrender
never again

i am masochism at its finest and most glowing and glaring
and i dare you to find my epicenter
my incinerator
and i dare you to reach out
to fall
and let go
i dare you to free fall with me
i dare you to breathe with me
i dare you to tip toe to the edge of our very own oblivion
i dare you to be everything you want to
i dare you to embrace this existance
i dare you to see me.

I am this swan dive. I am this nausea. I am the catalyst, means, aggressor and road blocks to my own revolution. I will not beg. "Please" is not in my vocabulary." I am this dark horse, this black sheep, this beast. I am Famine, War, Pestilence, and Death. I am Chaos. And I am calm. I am the eye of the storm. I am the clenched fist, the punch and the subsequent bruise. I am the fracture and the cast and the pain killers. I am the deep breath and the insufficient oxygen. I am confusion and clarity. I am simulatniously joyous and vengeful. My forgiveness and ability to let go are my baggage. This violence and upheaval is my peace. I am balance and contradiction. I am love and hate and affection and scorn. I am my enemy and ally. I am my right hand man and my arch nemisis. I am belittling and moral boosting. I am action and apathy. I am lost and I am found. I am silence and cacophony. I am certainty and second guessing. I am bigotry and acceptance, meek and aggressive. I am class and trash, collected and undone. I am a scream and a whisper. I am a comfortable blister. I am damnation and salvation.
i am rage. i am rage.
i.
am.
rage.

The Big Thaw

with our words
flowing, fluid
back and forth
the stories, theories
arguements and ideas
every word
a breath of fresh air
and together we
can suck the pain
out of the space
floating in between us

and a
shared
hand-rolled cigarette
bed-side, post-ride
tastes like
perfection
for those
ten minutes
eye opened
wide

and reality
seeps its way
back in
uninvited

you've got your
paper and pencil
sketches exploding
i've got my
paper and pencil
avalanche of words
we like to play with
creative suicide

and so our
eyes glisten
back and forth
at each other
iced over
but thawing
bits and pieces
at seeing ourselves
reflected.