nothing but my mind.

i'll wander and search and seek
sit and listen, breathe and scream
til there's nothing left of me
i will become immaculate and blessed
in my mansion built of nothingness
on someone else's holy ground
with patches of my own past
littering the sides of sight
creating dimension
and a sense of reality
i will watch my mind
tick tock, drip drop
slowly work it's way to lost
i will hold my heart to the sky
to be anointed by the stars
and have the scars brushed away
by a heavy, whispering wind
i will dance along this path
no compass, no map
i will give my gut the chance
to prove it's instinct
and not a bitter bone in my body
will be in the lead
and i'll let myself sink into
the fields, with their open arms
filled with what i never lost.

Torch

the ashes stuck to my foot and shoe like the sides of my throat to one another when a secret was tip toeing to the surface
i hauled back
kicked all that remained of four years of words and investments and lies

i watched it, twenty minutes earlier
go up in flames
fueled with what later helped the healing
ate my heart alive, still beating
at that door
and when
my lips and eyesight began to tremble
my chest and mind joined in
and when it hit, that earthquake, that shattering moment
i was ripped right back open

every word
felt sincere at the time
i counted down the days like the end would never come
nothing seemed real then - just beyond reach
and seeing them again
after they spent so long rotting away in a dresser drawer and then a box in my closet
that was the walls closing in
faster than ever before

then it was sitting in front of me
that once silver, now cindered box
filled to the brim with
hopes, dreams, blindness, and now hindsight
nothing but
heaps of smoldering gray, black, and white
they and he burned before me
disappeared
destroyed

i know
i know deep down
that the devastation will never be mutual
it'll never be equal or fair or right
vengeance and justice will never really
come knocking at his door
but seeing the end of
every bit of evidence of his grasp
wiped my face every bit as clean as his
and reminded me
my hands
were never
the ones
soaked
in
blood.

allow me to reintroduce myself

this is
the first sighting of
a new leaf
the rain making
itself the definition of
a new day
a new life
a first time breathing

with the
clouds moving as fast as they are
it's easy to see
miles down a road
named
some synonym for
"the future"

and when the sun peeks out
through sheets of relentless spring
one voice remains
absent and silent

pain pouring
and running away
from my skin
nature's baptism
makes me believe in
one foot
in front of the other
again and again
with weariness
sulking in the shadows
and a
sense of worthiness
seeping back in

i've got
lungs full of secrets
that shift into
battle cries
the moment they hit my tongue

the aches of
a looming past
will be all that remains
and the rest
i'll throw to the flames

same moon

i woke up this morning - on my own, no face next to me, eyes closed, head on a pillow - feeling like i'd already
packed and ripped one - you and everything was a haze
you because of distance and the world because i can't get it away

i know the plot line - i know the beginning
and i know the end
i know the result and decadence
of dancing round and round these holy circles
dizzy and losing my way

why is your question
and because is my answer
take everything i've ever told you
and there is your answer:
i'm alone and hollowed out
my mind is a hurricane and my heart wishes it could
get back to racing
destruction is the perfect description
and i can't close my eyes without falling back into another time where all i could do was bite my lip and mind
pretending not to cry
there's no rest for the wicked
and not an ounce of disappointment when nothing is expected
that's your answer why
so that i can sleep
so that my thoughts can get quiet and fade into the background

i could pull the moon down
cause that's the only time we breathe
but i can tell you how it ends, it's us
staring to the sky thinking where the other is
and if they're doing just the same.

Along the lines

First time we kissed was
Right next to my garage
In the middle of the night, before
Everyone else caught up.
Next to a wall it was a
Dart of a kiss, three
Seconds long, but I won't forget.

injury checklist

i live in
a mountain
of quilts and blankets
cocoon of
secrets and guilt
mascara on my pillows
from a
liquid confession
a vault opened
arrows flew out
tipped with
flame and fear
left a mark
i can't take back

i am
the shattered bones
and massacred organs
of embracing
a speeding
oncoming
semi.

i am
the gaping hole
left by a
well-loved
perfectly angled
shotgun.

i am
all that's left
after a house
engulfed
cinders and ashes
destroyed memories.

i am a nightmare
but i breathe
and if you
close your eyes
just right
you'll see.

on fear's similarity to vomiting.

overcome and
vomiting
fear
like the
homemade
moonshine
gut rot
a neighbor
provided.
face stuck
to my pillow
tears and
sweat, mixed
bit by bit.
fear and
vomit
taste
just the same
in the morning.
same
aches and pains
but
one's fleeting
and one stays.

metaphorical simile

this falling is

the scent of a bonfire
clinging to shirts and sheets
like we do to our skins

of sulfur-soaked fingertips
like addiction and avoidance

it's whispering and muting
like a secret already spoken

it's shock and laughter
stories and stolen moments
we sneak for no reason
like there's glass beneath our feet
but we still walk with a stomp in our step

but down-hearted does not
begin to describe
like the hail and heartbreak
knocking at my window
in the middle of the night.

on unfortunate weight loss

doing what i've come
to do best
noticing imperfections
raw skin
defined ribs
and jutting hip bones
baggy jeans
not for fashion
but from losing
weight

...and it's all
sitting on my shoulders
these days
and there is no
control
no brake petal
no emergency exit

i'm just locked up here
with myself

at war.