SEVAS TRA

The following two bits of writing are taken from my livejournal. In the past couple of weeks I've found myself entirely dissatisfied with my life and everything around me. I wrote through a lot of it and have come up with a plan to fix it. Full steam ahead, profanity and all.

1.
holy shit.
i have, in the last hour, been overtaken by an inexplicable and unavoidable feeling of dissatisfaction and disappointment with myself, other people, life, and the world in general.
now for the overwhelming feeling of brutal ass depression.... and go!

what in fuck all am i actually doing with my life? i have all of these half formed ideas (which i tell myself are great, when in reality "mediocre" is the better descriptive word for them) and absolutely no real means of getting to these endpoints i've made up for myself. i have no real motivation. i have the things that i say motivate me, but those are lies and new and fun ways of beating around the bush. what motivates me in school? the fact that i know that if i were to drop out and decide i don't want to go to college or even if i wanted to take a break, i'd be disowned by a large portion of my family. horrible horrible sin. that's like, number two on my family's ten commandment tablets: #1 - thou shalt not murder thine sibling anywhere that cannot be easily and thoroughly cleansed of blood. #2 - thou shalt not even so much as THINK about not continuing your education.
i don't want to do anything. nothing. i want to do nothing and a lot of it. the reason why i can't see myself anywhere or doing anything is because right now all i want is to sleep. i want to sleep until i'm not tired any more. i want to sleep until i can't feel any more and until i can start fresh.
right now? i am exhausted.
i'm exhausted but i can't sleep because i'm too busy going to school for the one thing that i thought wouldn't drive me completely nuts even though i have no fucking clue what i want to do with my life or even if i'm goign to do anything with that degree or maybe graduate with it and immediately drop everything and move to new york to persue my fashion design career that i've imagined myself to be possible. i'm too busy living with hopes and expectations to kingdom come but never with satisfaction or conviction. i'm always searching, always looking. DISSATISFIED with everything i could ever imagine. and what the fuck right do i have to be dissatisfied with anything? i have a ridiculously decent life. the form of my life is a good one and one i should embrace and love. but i'm boring and bored and useless and MUNDANE. i'm nothing special and i'm not unique.
monotony is killing me. it is draining the life out of me.
but trying to change that, trying to make something interesting won't work. it'd be trying too hard. it'd be trying to be someone i'm not.
i can't pursue shit with out it being agressive and intimidating. and people don't like the feeling of being intimidated by a five foot four, buck twenty pound girl. so i stop hearing from them. and here we go.
i was right. i was right. i should have. FUCK.

i've got nothing. i'm blank.
fuck all of this, honestly. i'm going to sleep.
mother fuck.

(Authors Note: For my parents sake, who will read this I'm sure, I'm not actually considering dropping out of school. And I'm pretty sure I know that you wouldn't actually disown me. It was a bad night. We have those. My bad. Yayyy school.)

2. "Sevas Tra"
I have formed for myself a some what feasible plan which will, in theory, quiet my inner rumblings of dissatisfaction and hatred of my life and everything involved therewith.
As of this afternoon I've begun designing again. I haven't sewn a goddamned thing since before school started in September. That is UNACCEPTABLE. Entirely not okay. Education and work are important, yes, but it is unhealthy and insulting to ignore your art.
And so. This Sunday I will be doing nothing but cleaning and making my room an environment in which I can both live AND create as I so please.
Beyond that, from Sunday night on, all downtime will be dedicated to creation. Whether I'm sewing, designing, writing, or reading in order to write better - I will be productive. On average, between the hours of 10pm and 2-3am I do nothing but sit on my ass and watch TV or dick around on the computer. Unless I am doing homework or for some other reason tied up, I WILL be creating.
I may or may not become a horrible caffeine addict and may dapple in sleep deprivation, but right now I'm fine with that. I'm sleeping entirely too much as it is and I'm tired of hating myself for producing nothing but mundane, monotonous bullshit that means absolutely nothing. I am done with that. I want to do nothing because I've become content with doing nothing. Done done done.
I'm hoping to get back into selling my designs at Fasten and am going to work hard at getting things into fashion shows. I'd like to get more of my writing published, so that's getting looked into as well. Open mic nights will hopefully be bountiful, due to the fact that most of my poetry these days is certainly best enjoyed when read aloud.
This is my declaration of independence from hating myself and my life. Art saves all of me.

As far as my personal life goes, I'm still at a loss there, but I have this funny feeling that if I'm happier with my life in general and allowing myself to create as often as I see fit, I'll be much happier with whatever life throws at me. Even if that means a period of involuntary celibacy. As it stands though, the aforementioned celibacy needs to stop. It would be a much more easily remedied situation if I didn't have "standards," but I do, and they're not going anywhere. And I work with what I've got.

All in all, I am prepared and pumped to tear apart existing pieces of clothing and making them into something infinitely better. Destroy to create, as always. I should get that tattooed on my right wrist or something. Constant fucking reminder.
Fuck abandoning your art. Fuck. That. In the words of Jello Biafra, whom I had the pleasure of hearing speak the other night, "The best way to not let that happen to you is to not let that happen to you." I'm done lying down and being my own victim.

And on that note, I'm off to a class that I pretty much loathe. Sweet.

Ode to a Non-Existant Valentine

(Author's note: I think I've come to the conclusion that Valentine's Day is less about those in relationships having a day to focus all their attentions on their loved one and more about making single people feel like shit. I don't like thinking "Damn, I wish I had someone right now." I don't like feeling like I need someone, because I don't. But all this Valentine's Day ruckus has got me thinking that it would be nice to have a boy who would take me out for Indian food and then watch gorey movies with me late into the night. Roses and chocolate would preferably be replaced by maybe a knife and some nice cigarettes. But instead I've become comfortable with the fact that I'll get home at 9pm from my night class and watch a Cheaters marathon on TV. And it'll be just another Wednesday night.)

her eyes shown like sunlight as the ax came crashing down
and her tears screamed of midnight as her heart burned through the world
she's sinking not swimming and she'll try to take you down with er
right after explaining that you don't mean a thing

it'll just be another lonely Wednesday night
i swear it's just the same
same old me
same old absence of a "you"